dreamer_easy | Social phobia? What social phobia? part 2

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Social phobia? What social phobia? part 2

I was extremely freaked out the week before we flew to NZ for Conjunction 2008. Looking back now, I can see that social phobia - OMG I MAY HAVE TO ACTUALLY TALK TO PEOPLE - was only a small component of the major, benny-eatin' stressout I had that week. I'd already seen my shrink about the horrors of having to do panels, sit in the bar, etc. We agreed that, when we looked closely, I wasn't actually that worried about it after all. Plus my fear of flying has long since dwindled from giant to dwarf. So where was that crushing anxiety coming from? I shall return to this vital question in a moment.

I half-jokingly suggested to my shrink that I should pull out all my medications at the start of the con and basically "confess" that I have social anxiety disorder. He thought this was (a) hilarious and (b) actually not a bad idea. In practice, what I did before each talk was to jot on the whiteboard KATE'S SECRET: I HAVE SOCIAL PHOBIA. THIS MEANS I AM MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF ME. As the shrink and I expected, there were plenty of other people around also experiencing various degrees of shyness; it's a very common problem.

Despite feeling mostly confident, I had the racing pulse before the writers' workshop on Friday, and again before my first panel on Saturday, so each time I popped half a Xanax. "Just in case", I told myself. This was actually a bad idea: firstly, a little stage fright is normal, not a symptom of social anxiety disorder. Secondly, Xanax kicks the crap out of you. Fortunately, by the third panel, I was getting sick of this, so instead I did a relaxation and recited the Heart Sutra. (This is a very useful thing to recite, because you have to concentrate to get the words right.) It was just as effective as the trank, if not more so. By the auction on Sunday, I was feeling no fear, as must have been fairly obvious to the audience. :-) In the course of the whole weekend I had only a few negative thoughts, and I was able to laugh them off on the spot. As my shrink had said would happen, I'd proved to myself that I could cope with the situation. Everyone's kindness at the con - allowing me plenty of breaks and treating me gently :-) - helped make this possible. Jon's parents, whom we dragged along due to my scheduling incompetence, also took good care of us. :-)

So if the social phobia wasn't the cause of my exploding stress kitten attack, what was? Sometimes one symptom "masks" another. Tackling the social anxiety, and the fear of flying, has allowed me to see that I've built up a huge phobia about going on trips.

In recent years I've joked that nowadays I relax once I get on the plane - that it's the airport which terrifies me! We've had one or two panics over passports and visas, and it's important that I have all my medications and prescriptions and such, so it's not hard to see how that anxiety got started. Plus I find taking the cats to the cattery unbearably stressful. This has run away from me to the point where even a simple bus trip across the city for a weekend in Manly earlier this year had me almost prostrate with terror.

So now I have a new challenge: beat the travel phobia. I can challenge it best, I think, simply by being organised and reminding myself of how organised I am - not to mention how many times I've travelled without a hitch in the past. But I'll also be discussing it with my psychiatrist when I see him next week. Having identified the problem, I'm confident of being able to kick its butt, the same as I have my other phobias. :-)

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These posts are really interesting. Seriously.

I know everything CBT told me about getting over things is true, and I also know that as an agnostic, I should look for proof in life. I should look for proof of my fears, and usually, not being able to find any, I should be able to dismiss them as just fears. But it's harder than that. It's easier to cling on to a false truth that you've believed for so many years than to discover the reality of a situation. I'm sure you know what I mean.

I don't have the motivation to get over my social issues (I don't want to say 'phobia', because I don't think it's that bad). It's kind of a vicious cycle. Feeling down makes me lack energy, which makes me not want to do things, which makes me think too much, which makes me not want to do anything, which makes me feel down.

Lately I've been able to manage about 1-2 hours in a social setting that I find uncomfortable (a pub or a club, say, where there is a crowd and a lot of strangers). But as soon as I start panicking, I can't back out of it. I have to leave. I have to go have a cry. I don't know why, not for sure. And I just end up feeling entirely shitty for not being able to do this normal thing that so many people do every day, and that they enjoy.

Blah blah I rambled.

Not everyone enjoys crowds and a lot of strangers. I don't think I have any sort of social problem, apart from just getting overloaded sometimes. But I don't find pubs or clubs enjoyable at all, and there are plenty of normal people who feel the same, who prefer interacting with small groups of people in depth rather than being out partying with loads of strangers. One is no less social than the other, and no less right.

That's a really good point. There's huge pressure on each of us to be socially successful and popular and drink and get laid and the whole "DON'T BE A NURD" package of bullshit. Makes the whole problem ten times worse. At least people with, say, a fear of spiders don't get made fun of because they don't particularly care to put tarantulas in their bras.

Also, lol Daleks.

Actually I'm known for my geekiness when going out socially. Here's a picture of me at Club Kooky on SameSame. I'm wearing my Dalek shirt doing a Torchwood "pose".

Nerd or geek? - you decide (http://photos.samesame.com.au/nsw/kooky_at_Herman_s_Bar_19_01_08/MNC-20080119-Kooky-36.jpg.html)

You can has Geek Chic. :-)

The crucial thing, I think, is to be able to prevent those panic attacks, or stop them when they start. That way you get to choose whether to go to the pub and choose how long you'd like to stay.

I think it's a big mistake to beat ourselves up for not just instantly getting over our negative thinking. If it was that simple, nobody would have phobias. It takes time and practice to rewire our heads.

I would think that the travel phobia would a good candidate for desensitizing yourself. You could deliberately drive by the bus station a few days in a row, then go and park in the lot and read a book for ten minutes. Then maybe stop by and avail yourself of their fine vending machine assortment, each time doing the step until buying Doritos at the bus station is no big deal. Then maybe going up to the teller lady and asking about the schedule. If there's some circle route that isn't too long, you could bring a book and take a ride around the city, knowing that you're not going to get stuck anywhere or be late or whatever other awfulizing thoughts trigger your panic. And eventually, your body/brain gets used to performing the actions themselves in this context where nothing is riding on you fucking up or backing out. You gain confidence in your ability to do it, and when being late is on the line, you know that you're able to perform the actions.

Travel is nice like that, in that there are tons of easy to break down baby steps that you can go desensitize yourself to. With the airport, you've got the same thing going on. People come and go all the time, so you could totally drive there, go past arrivals, pretend you're picking someone up, then go home. Avail yourself of their fine food court options once of these afternoons. Packing dry runs. Go wait in line at the Delta check in, then get out and leave when you're about three people from the counter. No one will give a shit, except the people behind you, who will be like *yay*.

And of course, my secret weapon, showing up STUPIDLY early.

Granted, I'm not doing this because of phobias, I'm doing it because I don't like having to rush in an environment where so much is out of my control, but I usually show up a *good* couple of hours before check in even starts. I get through the screening, stroll around the mall bits, park my ass in a restaurant and read a book, knowing all I have to do is stroll over to gate whatever. And while I'm checking in, I'm totally not worried about how long the line is because hey, my flight doesn't leave for another three hours.

Of course if the airport itself terrifies you, this might not work, but again, half a dozen Mondays in a row of parking at terminal B, going and buying the latest entertainment weekly, and returning to cozysafe home has got to wear some of that anxiety down, I would think. And you probably already know this, but it just seems like something that could be kind of fun (once the cold sweats and thundering pulse subsides).

Good luck! And enjoy the airport food :)

You've never been to Kingsford Smith (Sydney), have you?

At presentthey are rebuilding it from the ground up...

It's not so much the location as the process, I think -- all the organizing and juggling and oh-god-what-have-I-forgotten. Which is building up in our house at least as much as anything else!

Good idea, though...

I used to be terribly afraid of forgetting anything at home when going on a journey. Nowadays however I tend to think that as long as I have my credit card with me I'm fine. It took me a while to realise that the worst thing happening is that I'll have to spend some money, which, even with a tight budget is better than getting stressed out over something. A few years ago I went on a study excursion to Scotland. Now I wanted to visit Scotland for so long, and right at the beginning on the boat my camera got jammed and started to make half-dead noises and I got really afraid that I won't be able to take photos and where to get a new decent digital camera from, and of course one using compact flash as I had CFs with me, blablabla. After spending a few hours being in a really bad mood, with no mobile phone connection to talk to my bf, I realised that a cheap film camera is still better than nothing, or worst case a throw-away camera, which I could probably also get on the boat. Besides, everyone else had a camera as well. So whenever I start to panic I try to think of that wasted evening I could have spend with some friends instead of sitting anciously in my cabin.

Though when I have to take some data along on a trip I make sure it's on a usb stick, a CD, and uploaded on the internet just to be sure.

Kate does have the extra factor of juggling lots of medicines. OTOH, that's also probably the part which is easiest to control!

I dunno - there always seems to be some last-minute panic over whether I've got enough Questran, or whatever. Mind you, we're talking more panic than is actually necessary to pop up the road to the chemist and buy some.

I just wanted to say, by way of helping out the CBT, that I found you completely lovely and delightful when you were over at my place, and I'd happily have you back, if only because we got to spend such a woefully short time talking and you're very much as cool in person as you are online.

I've been meaning to tell you that for a while but I felt a little shy about it. :)

That means a lot. Thanks! That whole visit was very weird, nay, chaotic - we were lucky to have such gracious hosts.

Awww! And for what it's worth, you and your hubby were such utter sweeties that we were wishing we could have spent more time with you.

So: next time we all go out and binge on Garrett's popcorn, OK?

(As you know, I'm not nearly as anxious as Kate, but I was having a bit of vague social panic while we were up there too -- I think my "sorry I'm not being all witty and sparkling" moment was part of that. Just part of the general cloud of stress by that point in the trip. So it really does mean a lot to me too.)

Plus! You get to be a positive role model for Kate, by doing an international trip with visa scares and clogged throat and last-minute juggling of things and STILL NOT DYING!

As you know, I'm not nearly as anxious as Kate, but I was having a bit of vague social panic while we were up there too -- I think my "sorry I'm not being all witty and sparkling" moment was part of that. Just part of the general cloud of stress by that point in the trip. So it really does mean a lot to me too.)

I wasn't talking to YOU, Jon. :) :P

Seriously though, hell yeah, trips are stressful, especially ones involving family. And this trip in particular is turning out to be especially so. And yet, yes, I will probably not die.

*flails with sudden social panic*

*puts head back on*

Even if you do die on this trip, you know we'll be deploying a crack team of BADASS VOODOO PRACTICIONERS to resurrect you. Cause you ARE making it home to your cats!

so instead I did a relaxation and recited the Heart Sutra.

I just reached this part and initially read this as "the Kama Sutra", and was impressed and boogled.

I re-read it, and I'm somewhat disappointed that that I was wrong.

First recite the Kama Sutra, then the Less Kalm Sutra, then the Absolutely Frantic Sutra.

Then the Howwasitforyou Sutra? (Don't forget to light your, um, incense stick...)

I prefer the classic stylings of Billy Sutra and the Sutrazones.

It wasn't that kind of convention, sadly!

Not that NZ doesn't host those kinds of cons too...

It is one of my enduring regrets that I have never been my life been invited to one of those cons. Not even a single frickin' room party of that ilk. Any wanton debauchery I've been able to get up to at a con has been strictly self-provided.

One of the perils of being conspicuously married, I suppose...

While I, on the other hand, lost my virginity at a convention.

Hmmmm... I can't quite go that far... but there are some interesting photo-evidence pics floating around somewhere of the first con I went to, where I ended up at a room party massage, lying back on one of the hotel beds with one guy massaging each of my limbs.

Oh, *those* sorts of room parties we got invited to. :-) Somewhere there are faintly incriminating photos of me melting into

alryssa as she gives me a glorious head massage...

There is, of course, the not-entirely-specious argument that the difference between those sorts of room parties, and those sorts of cons is really only one of scale, rather than substance (well, and panel topics, of course...)

I'm now picturing their version of the Just A Minute panel...

Truly, the mind, it boggles...

Of course, at some of those cons (Southern Exposure comes to mind), if being married isn't a preventative issue for the married couple in question, then it really isn't an issue for anyone else.

Not that I've actually been to such a Con myself... but there's a certain level of crossover between the fandom community and the poly community.

Kate's very relaxed about me around other women, but I don't know if she's quite that relaxed. :-)

(Southern Exposure? Wozzat?)

http://www.southernexposure.gen.nz/ - they say it far better than I can ;-)

...*blinks* Hands-on workshops? Wouldn't they have a bit of trouble keeping the audience's attention?

As an observer of you Kate (and Jon) I didn't detect any distress. You were all personality and did a great job at the con. My respect for you only increases by hearing about the issues that you faced to get to NZ and over the last few years. Big hugs from me.

Is that Donna under the mask there? If so, big hugs gratefully accepted!

*hugz you back*

I know the first time I walked into one of the panels where you'd written that on the board I wasn't quite sure what to make of it... whether it was serious or not. Then, as soon as you spoke about it, my immediate response was *whoah! that takes some serious courage... go you!*

I know I keep blethering on about having enjoyed the panels you were at... I'm even more impressed with how fun and entertaining you made them when you were worrying about whether the phobia was going to hit or not.

Hugs and thanks again

Starfire

*big hairy grin*

I know I"m often too shy to comment on your lj but I do find your posts very interesting, particularly about things like social phobia and depression, etc. I really hope you kick your travel phobia. I'm sure you will after reading this post. I've somehow ended up with my world contracting geographically thanks to work and routine imposed upon me and I can't stand travelling. I freak out before I've got to the airport. I freak out going 30 km to another town. What happened to the confident woman who could cheerfully drive from Melbourne to Canberra? Time defeated her.

That sounds like you might be having a bit of a similar problem. Might be worth having a word with your GP about it.

Well done... both on the getting there and having fun, and the self-knowledge. =:o}

Of course the selfish, throw-budgetary-caution-to-the-wind part of me says "you should travel HERE more often", but that's just because I need a constant stream of visitors to keep my cat properly entertained.

Just got back from Japan today. I waved in the direction of Australia as we approached -- did you see me?

I wondered what that was.

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Social phobia? What social phobia? part 2

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Grin