dreamer_easy: (Default)
You haven't experienced much grief in your life, so the deaths of beloved fictional characters during the last year have served as useful trial runs; minor, manageable tastes of the real deal. Useful datum: the intense heartache of depression does not feel the same as grief. Know it for the fake it is.
dreamer_easy: (Default)
Still a bit of a mess, but now sufficiently combobulated to go in the kitchen and clean and cook. Oh what a simple pleasure!
dreamer_easy: (podge)
I've lost three kilos in three weeks. Do not congratulate me. I wish I could wholly attribute this slimming miracle to my suddenly extremely diligent diet, but weight loss is a symptom of hyperglycaemia. And losing your appetite is a symptom of having what for want of a better description I shall call having a nervous breakdown. (Shrink tomorrow. Shit, I have no idea what time.) Oh well gift horse etc
dreamer_easy: (X_X DED)
I really need to take some time off from the sociopolitical stuff generally, don't I? So I shall. No more until *&%*(&% Gally. Instead I'll just look at pictures of snakes wearing hats.
dreamer_easy: (hypomanic)
I have the rampaging thoughts tonight. Parking some of them here, just to get them out of my system.

1. Bullying is not a useful way of opposing racism, sexism, and other bigotry. In particular, social aggression between girls and women - malicious gossip, ridicule, exclusion - is profoundly anti-woman, a byproduct of patriarchy. It should not be confused with, nor is it justified by, honest anger, frustration, assertiveness, disagreement: things which girls and women are taught to suppress, but which are the real tools for dismantling oppression. Bullying will slow and confuse our efforts until online progressives reject it.

2. Why am I not an atheist? I'm a naturalist and a rationalist, so why am I up to my elbows in gods? Is this something to do with how the human brain makes sense of the world through narrative?

3. Dear Mr Dawkins et al, regardless of how much praying I and others may do during takeoff, the Bernoulli Effect is not magic. Please make a note of this.

4. The Ten Commandment Boogie helpfully reminds us that the Bible is "full of incredible tools". Surely you cannot be down-with-the-kids while simultaneously pastiching "Kokomo".
dreamer_easy: (BRAINS)
Good shrink appointment. All the things that've happened in the last year or so, all the changes and events, for good or ill - no wonder my brain went "pop". Overload, no input, no thinking. It's resolving by itself; I'll see el shrink again in a week for a checkup.
dreamer_easy: (doctor who farblondjet)
Shrink appointment at 5 this evening. All breathe a sigh of relief. :)
dreamer_easy: (hypomanic)
omg poor Jon, I just keep saying random things!
dreamer_easy: (BRIC A BRAC quotations)
"Die Verschmelzung von verschiedenen tierischen Elementen wurde gewissermßen als normwidrig oder sogar als monströs empfunden and daher des öfteren bei furchtbaren dämonischen Gestalten verwendet. So ist z.B. die Totenfresserin aus Krokodilskopf, Löwenkorper und Nilpferdhinterteil zusammengesetzt."
And here's a picture:

The Totenfresserin, aka the Devourer of the Dead. Note the Nilpferdarsch.

Right now I'm a strange combination of manic, chirpy, and fragile - simple tasks, like searching for something on ABE, keep popping my mind valves. You should all recognise this mental state for what it is, ie, post-regenerative trauma. I need a Zero Hat.
dreamer_easy: (doctor who master hello madness)
Think the ol' skull-porridge is starting to come good. It's been a completely dreadful few days. Thx to all for your concern and assistance. Keeping my neurons crossed.
dreamer_easy: (medical all too much)
Dissociation always sucks. I feel as though my entire head has gone numb, and inside it, my brains are like a computer someone has broken up with an axe. I'm certainly more functional than I was yesterday (oh that purple Xanax) but nothing in my mind quite connects up properly.
dreamer_easy: (colossal drug bender)
Off my freakin trolley on purple Xanax. normal service will etc
dreamer_easy: (DEBUNKING 3)
Rummaging around in pursuit of a missing prescription, I found some printouts from this collection of articles:

Chronic Illness Coping

Some useful stuff there, especially about having as "fighting spirit" rather than the angry, scared attitude that resulted in my convincing myself I was doomed.
dreamer_easy: (NUTTER)
Oh, man. Maybe the Valium last night wasn't such a good idea. I've been scrambleheaded ever since, and I don't know whether it's depression, anxiety, the drugz, or some combination of these.

The local fundamentalists popped a brochure in the post box. "True Christianity is founded on a belief on Jesus Christ, and is not based upon any of our works." Various Bible quotes follow. This was Martin Luther's idea, wasn't it? It's brilliant. It gets rid of all that awkward stuff about having to give other people your money and simplifies religion into a pyramid scheme. [ETA: The thing about Luther was a wee bit seriously uninformed on my part - see the comments. Recommend me a beginner's book on theology!]
dreamer_easy: (medical all too much)
Gods, I'm knackered. Not just "had a dodgy night's sleep in the heat a couple of days ago" knackered. Soul-weary. I've only got one goal in my life and that's to get an original novel published. Everything else has become an annoying interruption. My emails are a jumble, the house is a disaster area, I never see anybody else. I wish this was all jolly and eccentric and writerly, but I'm exhausted by trying to juggle it all. My stress levels are ridiculous and my social phobia is rampant. All I need to do is develop and stick to a routine, make sure I do my relaxation exercises, and get out more often, instead of of which I go about the countryside stealing ducks. Uhhh. I think I'd better go back to bed.
dreamer_easy: (torchwood barrowman phwoar)
1. Barrowman's collapse into depression after "Ballgate" is horribly familiar - it's what I went through during Racewank '07. I'm a terrible person, everyone hates me, my life is over. Anger helped me rally, too.

2. No, fandom, John didn't tell you at Torchsong that he'd injured his ankle in a car accident, and then swear you to secrecy. Thanks to the magic of third-hand gossip, you conflated two separate incidents - his poolside fall (bt dt ow) and the Fifth Gear prang.

3. Believe half of what you see, and none of what you hear.
dreamer_easy: (X_X DED)
Having a setback. :P
dreamer_easy: (BRIC A BRAC)
dreamer_easy: (DEBUNKING 3)
Another rather strange idea from evolutionary psychology: a couple of scientists suggest an evolutionary advantage to depression. That it helps us think analytically, encouraging us to withdraw and obsess when faced with difficult social problems.

My own experience makes it very difficult to accept that it has anything other than a catastrophic effect on thinking. Depressed, I can't focus on anything, I can't remember things, I am unable to make even simple decisions - and I don't care.

Even if the scientists are onto something, the evolutionary advantage would have to be spectacular to balance the immense damage caused by a condition which kills the appetite, the libido, and sometimes the patient. Frankly, if there was such an advantage, I think it'd be blaringly obvious.

I think these guys have got sadness and depression mixed up. Which is rather like confusing a punch in the nose with decapitation.


dreamer_easy: (Default)

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