dreamer_easy (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
dreamer_easy) wrote2008-04-01 09:23 am
dreamer_easy) wrote2008-04-01 09:23 am
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Social phobia? What social phobia? part 2
I was extremely freaked out the week before we flew to NZ for Conjunction 2008. Looking back now, I can see that social phobia - OMG I MAY HAVE TO ACTUALLY TALK TO PEOPLE - was only a small component of the major, benny-eatin' stressout I had that week. I'd already seen my shrink about the horrors of having to do panels, sit in the bar, etc. We agreed that, when we looked closely, I wasn't actually that worried about it after all. Plus my fear of flying has long since dwindled from giant to dwarf. So where was that crushing anxiety coming from? I shall return to this vital question in a moment.
I half-jokingly suggested to my shrink that I should pull out all my medications at the start of the con and basically "confess" that I have social anxiety disorder. He thought this was (a) hilarious and (b) actually not a bad idea. In practice, what I did before each talk was to jot on the whiteboard KATE'S SECRET: I HAVE SOCIAL PHOBIA. THIS MEANS I AM MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF ME. As the shrink and I expected, there were plenty of other people around also experiencing various degrees of shyness; it's a very common problem.
Despite feeling mostly confident, I had the racing pulse before the writers' workshop on Friday, and again before my first panel on Saturday, so each time I popped half a Xanax. "Just in case", I told myself. This was actually a bad idea: firstly, a little stage fright is normal, not a symptom of social anxiety disorder. Secondly, Xanax kicks the crap out of you. Fortunately, by the third panel, I was getting sick of this, so instead I did a relaxation and recited the Heart Sutra. (This is a very useful thing to recite, because you have to concentrate to get the words right.) It was just as effective as the trank, if not more so. By the auction on Sunday, I was feeling no fear, as must have been fairly obvious to the audience. :-) In the course of the whole weekend I had only a few negative thoughts, and I was able to laugh them off on the spot. As my shrink had said would happen, I'd proved to myself that I could cope with the situation. Everyone's kindness at the con - allowing me plenty of breaks and treating me gently :-) - helped make this possible. Jon's parents, whom we dragged along due to my scheduling incompetence, also took good care of us. :-)
So if the social phobia wasn't the cause of my exploding stress kitten attack, what was? Sometimes one symptom "masks" another. Tackling the social anxiety, and the fear of flying, has allowed me to see that I've built up a huge phobia about going on trips.
In recent years I've joked that nowadays I relax once I get on the plane - that it's the airport which terrifies me! We've had one or two panics over passports and visas, and it's important that I have all my medications and prescriptions and such, so it's not hard to see how that anxiety got started. Plus I find taking the cats to the cattery unbearably stressful. This has run away from me to the point where even a simple bus trip across the city for a weekend in Manly earlier this year had me almost prostrate with terror.
So now I have a new challenge: beat the travel phobia. I can challenge it best, I think, simply by being organised and reminding myself of how organised I am - not to mention how many times I've travelled without a hitch in the past. But I'll also be discussing it with my psychiatrist when I see him next week. Having identified the problem, I'm confident of being able to kick its butt, the same as I have my other phobias. :-)
I half-jokingly suggested to my shrink that I should pull out all my medications at the start of the con and basically "confess" that I have social anxiety disorder. He thought this was (a) hilarious and (b) actually not a bad idea. In practice, what I did before each talk was to jot on the whiteboard KATE'S SECRET: I HAVE SOCIAL PHOBIA. THIS MEANS I AM MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF ME. As the shrink and I expected, there were plenty of other people around also experiencing various degrees of shyness; it's a very common problem.
Despite feeling mostly confident, I had the racing pulse before the writers' workshop on Friday, and again before my first panel on Saturday, so each time I popped half a Xanax. "Just in case", I told myself. This was actually a bad idea: firstly, a little stage fright is normal, not a symptom of social anxiety disorder. Secondly, Xanax kicks the crap out of you. Fortunately, by the third panel, I was getting sick of this, so instead I did a relaxation and recited the Heart Sutra. (This is a very useful thing to recite, because you have to concentrate to get the words right.) It was just as effective as the trank, if not more so. By the auction on Sunday, I was feeling no fear, as must have been fairly obvious to the audience. :-) In the course of the whole weekend I had only a few negative thoughts, and I was able to laugh them off on the spot. As my shrink had said would happen, I'd proved to myself that I could cope with the situation. Everyone's kindness at the con - allowing me plenty of breaks and treating me gently :-) - helped make this possible. Jon's parents, whom we dragged along due to my scheduling incompetence, also took good care of us. :-)
So if the social phobia wasn't the cause of my exploding stress kitten attack, what was? Sometimes one symptom "masks" another. Tackling the social anxiety, and the fear of flying, has allowed me to see that I've built up a huge phobia about going on trips.
In recent years I've joked that nowadays I relax once I get on the plane - that it's the airport which terrifies me! We've had one or two panics over passports and visas, and it's important that I have all my medications and prescriptions and such, so it's not hard to see how that anxiety got started. Plus I find taking the cats to the cattery unbearably stressful. This has run away from me to the point where even a simple bus trip across the city for a weekend in Manly earlier this year had me almost prostrate with terror.
So now I have a new challenge: beat the travel phobia. I can challenge it best, I think, simply by being organised and reminding myself of how organised I am - not to mention how many times I've travelled without a hitch in the past. But I'll also be discussing it with my psychiatrist when I see him next week. Having identified the problem, I'm confident of being able to kick its butt, the same as I have my other phobias. :-)
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I've been meaning to tell you that for a while but I felt a little shy about it. :)
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So: next time we all go out and binge on Garrett's popcorn, OK?
(As you know, I'm not nearly as anxious as Kate, but I was having a bit of vague social panic while we were up there too -- I think my "sorry I'm not being all witty and sparkling" moment was part of that. Just part of the general cloud of stress by that point in the trip. So it really does mean a lot to me too.)
Plus! You get to be a positive role model for Kate, by doing an international trip with visa scares and clogged throat and last-minute juggling of things and STILL NOT DYING!
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I wasn't talking to YOU, Jon. :) :P
Seriously though, hell yeah, trips are stressful, especially ones involving family. And this trip in particular is turning out to be especially so. And yet, yes, I will probably not die.
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*puts head back on*
Even if you do die on this trip, you know we'll be deploying a crack team of BADASS VOODOO PRACTICIONERS to resurrect you. Cause you ARE making it home to your cats!