Don't worry. There's a happy ending.

[dreamer_easy]

Feeling suicidal gives you, paradoxically, a kind of power. You're in a kind of end-of-the-world, anything-goes state: all bets are off, no rules apply.

For many people this would probably mean an orgy of unwise sex, drinking, drugs, and generally crazy self-destructive adventure. For me it's more like "Hey! Let's blow off the gym, go to the mall instead, and buy a Spirograph! Yeah!"

There's more, though. A mate reckons suicide is, in part, an expression of anger. It's rage flowing in the wrong direction. We turn our urge to damage and destroy in on ourselves.

O my little cyberbullies, you should never pick on someone when they're suicidal. Not because they might do away with themselves, leaving you scarred for life with guilt. Because they're in the mood to wreck something, and it might as well be you.

I'm saved again and again as my pain turns itself into rage. Thanks for helping, you sad little turds.

Comments

[fred-god-of.livejournal.com]

Whenever I contemplate suicide, which often, especially while driving around the lake, it has always been about NOT having to deal ANYMORE, ever no more stress/grades/thinkingtohardaboutthewritewords/social situations where I suck/future. I then like Hamlet I am afraid of the undiscovered country and I think about how upset Mom and Jeremy and my little brother would be and I am brave I don't drive off the road, usually lasts no more then a second or two.
It makes me think of TE Lawrence and his motorcycle.

[kateorman.livejournal.com]

I'm not taking this out on myself, my cats, my husband, my friends, or my family. Full stop.

[fred-god-of.livejournal.com]

?

[kateorman.livejournal.com]

I mean: I refuse to hurt or destroy those around me by hurting or destroying myself. I have responsibilities here.

[fred-god-of.livejournal.com]

That's been kind of my way of dealing with it too, and the Welbtrin I'm on actually works most of the time, which is excellent. I doubt I'll ever stop having that thought, but I guess the important thing is not acting.

[kateorman.livejournal.com]

*thumbs up*

Our peeps need us.

[fred-god-of.livejournal.com]

Kitten icon wins at life ;-)
I think I want a Spirograph now, they look fun, you should post some of the swirlies you make.

[kateorman.livejournal.com]

Check this out - I found the original!



(Dodgy grab from an underlit piece of video footage, fixed up a bit in Photoshop Elephants.)

[murasaki-1966.livejournal.com]

Oh, they are sooooo gorgeous....

[acelightning.livejournal.com]

[murasaki-1966.livejournal.com]

Mine's from The Gambler as sung by Kenny Rogers

"Know when to hold them, know when to fold them.
Know when to walk away, know when to run"

[angriest.livejournal.com]

If there's anything I can do, let me know.

[kateorman.livejournal.com]

Right back atcha.

[rainbowjehan.livejournal.com]

*snuggles up to*

[kateorman.livejournal.com]

*GUGGINS*

[jebni.livejournal.com]

"Hey! Let's blow off the gym, go to the mall instead, and buy a Spirograph! Yeah!"

Awesome.

[kateorman.livejournal.com]

I swear, Myer has them for $10.

[murasaki-1966.livejournal.com]

I need one. I had one when I was a kid, and some of the best fun I ever had on my own was with it. What size is it? I have a little one my darling husband found for me. I'd like a bigger one...

And, weel, I hope you feel better soon. I would like you nad John to come over to our place and have vegetarian Chinese steamboat with us when you both feel up to it.

[kateorman.livejournal.com]

vegetarian Chinese steamboat

Explain this interesting idea!

[murasaki-1966.livejournal.com]

For you, a bumper sticker I saw on my way to work this morning (and I may need for my car)

You're Looking At More Woman Than You Can Handle

[kateorman.livejournal.com]

wooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!

[murasaki-1966.livejournal.com]

Thought you'd like that.

Another bumper sticker, seen in the Macquarie Centre car park on Saturday (sharing the car with a Hippy Chick sticker) was:

Have a Nice day. (But, hey, no pressure)

Love your raccon.

[reynardo.livejournal.com]

You bought a Spirograph????

Dude! You ROCK!

I think this ought to be sent to Lifeline - that would help me heaps!

(IN other words, it's also you looking after yourself, which sounds like what you need right now. I wish you lots of bits of coloured paper, and a hot chocolate, and a whole day with cool music playing while you make awesome shapes and be yourself and enjoy yourself.)

[kateorman.livejournal.com]

*grin* I feel a lot better now. Venting my spleen certainly helped. So will doing some 105-point thingies. :-)

[murasaki-1966.livejournal.com]

Ann of Green gables is 100 this year.

[antikythera.livejournal.com]

I have never felt suicidal but I think I know a little bit of what you're talking about, and it might be what has kept me from feeling suicidal in really low moments. It feels like being obstinate. I'm almost ashamed to say that it's a sort of "if you do this then the terrorists have won" scenario. ^^;;

[kateorman.livejournal.com]

Obstinate, yeah. I was actually going to quit f!s, since apparently I can't even page through there looking for lols about Jeremy Clarkson's penis without some diseased turd-flinging monkey having a go at me, and then I remembered that the reason I hang out there is that a lot of fans are in pain what with one thing and another and they need to hear a gentle word in between the flying monkey poo.

tl;dr fuck 'em ;-)

[qthewetsprocket.livejournal.com]

Let's blow off the gym, go to the mall instead, and buy a Spirograph!

sounds like a plan. although personally, my weapon of choice in that department tends to be a play-doh fun factory.

*makes brightly-colored squooshy squiggly things to highlight and accentute your spirograph-y scribblings*

[kateorman.livejournal.com]

I want scientists to explain why, when all the different-coloured Plasticine has finally got mooshed together, it averages out to that weird blue-purple-grey colour.

[southerndave.livejournal.com]

Spirographs are cool. I had one back when I was young. Many, many years ago now. (This, combined with the lines from Walls on your masthead picture, makes me suspicious that you're part of the Grand Global Conspiracy To Make Me Feel Old...)

[ajponder.livejournal.com]

I love your fighting spirit, sometimes if you let those ... get at you then you can get smaller and smaller until there is nothing left.

But the mall? I might be more stable than I was but that's way hell of a scary!!!!
(And the gym too.) You just don't know how brave you are.
:)

BTW Spirographs may be awesome, but cats are better!

[strangedave.livejournal.com]

I often find unwise sex, drinking, etc are often accompanied by a spirit of reckless joi de vivre.

[kateorman.livejournal.com]

Well, that's how I feel about Spirographs.

[strangedave.livejournal.com]

I am suddenly reminded of Eddie Campbells wonderful Bachus series, in which, when one character (Joe Theseus) went into a mysterious astral place in which he could see and touch the strands of fate, they were all arranged in wonderful spirograph patterns. A lovely thought.

In the same issue or thereabouts, when called on to draw God he couldn't work out how to do it, and didn't feel up to drawing something sufficiently impressive. So he got his 5 year old daughter to draw God instead, which was perfect.

[kateorman.livejournal.com]

Well, I hope she did a better job than I did. :-)

Yay for your fighting spirit.

[kitzen-kat.livejournal.com]

Yes, some fans are total turds. What keeps me sane is remembering the old adage "You can't polish a turd".

Re: Yay for your fighting spirit.

[kateorman.livejournal.com]

Actually getting into fights online is one thing... but posting gossip and abuse anonymously? Turdtastic.

[drunken-hedghog.livejournal.com]

The power is freedom. Freedom from convention, and all the silly little rules that make up society. Because you know that the repercussions of your actions won't be felt by you (because you expect to be dead) you know that you can do anything. I think it's the closest any civilised person comes to absolute freedom these days.

I'm not going to be a hypocrite about try and persuade you out of anything, but I'm glad the exercise worked for you.

Wow I'm so late into this one.

[kateorman.livejournal.com]

"The object of war is not to die for your country, but to make the other bastard die for his." >:-)

[alryssa.livejournal.com]

*luffs*

I miss my intricate colouring books - not the kiddy-focused ones, but the ones with gorgeous stained-glass like designs. Those are eminently helpful when I'm stressed, and alas, I have not owned one since I left the U.K.

[kateorman.livejournal.com]

We used to have these psychedelic geometric ones as kids. I think you can still get 'em.

[alryssa.livejournal.com]

I have a couple of the buggers on my Amazon wishlist! I just haven't gotten around to ordering them :P

[stevencaldwell.livejournal.com]

And there is I wallowing in my own rage when you called and I had no idea what you were going through!

In the words of one much greater than us - 'I am so, so sorry...'

[kateorman.livejournal.com]

Oh sweetheart, I'm fine. :-x