"I am not less perfect than Lore."

[dreamer_easy]

My recent psychiatric history has been a succession of professional persons trying to convince me that, in fact, I'm not Doing It Wrong. Being more accepting of my failings and quirks is extraordinarily difficult, but it can make a huge difference to stop trying to swim to shore and just go with the flow of the rip tide.

I'm being deliberately vague here because some of the stuff is very personal, but here's one foible that's the exact opposite: my hermitic tendencies. I rarely socialise these days. That's partly due to my health, both physical (I am unpredictably exhausted) and mental (my social phobia is a long way from beaten). I'm constantly missing out on meetings, picnics, dinners, etc because I'm just not physically capable of crawling out of the house to them. It can get lonely.

But I think it's also partly just my personality. I prefer my own company, and always have, really. Never happier than when I'm reading, or roaming a library, or puttering away on one of my innumerable projects. It's a temperament that suits a writer, of course - but for a long time I've felt like it's something I've got to change, something unhealthy, lazy, selfish and wrong.

It takes a lot of convincing, before your brain suddenly says, yeah, I'm ready to quit worrying about that now. You just have prepare as best you can, and to wait for that magic switch to throw itself. As with the sudden enlightenment described in so many koans, an external, innocuous cue can do it. I think possibly that's what happened this morning as I lay abed, trying to summon the ergs to rise, reading the first short Sherlock Holmes story, A Scandal in Bohemia:

"... while Holmes, who loathed every form of society with his whole Bohemian soul, remained in our lodgings in Baker Street, buried among his old books, and alternating from week to week between cocaine and ambition, the drowsiness of the drug, and the fierce energy of his own keen nature."

He loathed every form of society with his whole Bohemian soul!

Well, "loathed" would be an overstatement for me. Probably so is "Bohemian", by which Doyle meant "Holmes is a weirdo". What's more, Sherlock Holmes is not exactly the best role model you could have when it comes to, erm, pretty much anything, really. But just because he prefers his own company doesn't mean he's not working hard, accomplishing worthwhile things, contributing to society, following his bliss. Heck, this is a guy who cocaine makes sleepy.

Perhaps I can effect some similar compromise. In the meantime, there's always the housework about which to beat myself up.

Comments

I'm with you, mate

[mycroft72.livejournal.com]

Nothing better than being at home with a book. Or better yet, a teetering stack of books on a range of new topics.

Speaking of The Great Detective, I hear his older brother is shortly to be portrayed televisually by Mr Stephen Fry.

I for one can't wait to stay home and watch that! :-)

Re: I'm with you, mate

[dreamer-easy.livejournal.com]

Please tell me you mean in House! :D

[jblum.livejournal.com]

is is a guy who cocaine makes sleepy.

Betcha he's speedballing. :-)

[drhoz.livejournal.com]

Been listening to the LibriVox readings myself. Occasionally teeth-gritting pronunciation, but still good.

[dreamer-easy.livejournal.com]

The new show has given me a chance to look at the canon with fresh eyes. In Scandal, delightfully, Holmes laughs his bum off - that's the character in the Moff & Gatiss series, all right. :)

[pedanther]

From elsewhere on my friendslist, an article that seems relevant.

[dreamer-easy.livejournal.com]

Thank you! The difference between introversion and shyness (or in my case, social phobia) is really useful to have spelled out - I'll bring that idea to my next shrink appointment.

[qthewetsprocket.livejournal.com]

Perhaps I can effect some similar compromise

Subtle hint is subtle? :) *discreetly changes game comment*

(I'm STILL finding grammar websites that disagree on this issue, btw. Man was made upright but they have sought out many devices, indeed. *shakes head*)

[dreamer-easy.livejournal.com]

Bwa! No, only a coincidence - nothing to do with the tricky affect/effect problem. :D

[murasaki-1966.livejournal.com]

You need the sign on my fridge: Housework is evil, it must be stopped.

[lynsaurus.livejournal.com]

Someday I will be as wise as our cat, who alternates between naps and ambition (where ambition refers to the art of persuading us to feed her at off times, efforts to get into the basement, and earnest security checks throughout the house). May we all find the balance that best promotes our own health.

[stuberrymuffin.livejournal.com]

I've spent a lot of my life on my own as well and it's been playing on my mind recently. My mum would tell relatives that I was happy in my own company, and I remember a teacher being concerned that I chose to sit by myself in the classroom, and my mum assuring him that I was happier that way. Even so, I have often been made (if only by myself) to feel that it was something that had to be fixed. But when I then tried to step into the sort of situations I would, if not avoid then, not actively seek out, I would feel even more like I should be on my own.

(And I've been told off for using Holmes and House as a role model!)

I did come to a conclusion a while ago that acceptance (especially of oneself) is a big part of happiness, too. But like you say, it's not always easy to accept that acceptance is okay.

Not sure what I'm trying to say here, possibly just thank you for the post.

[dreamer-easy.livejournal.com]

Searching for some brilliantly witty way of responding to your comment, I stumbled across a photograph of the world's smallest teddy bear:

[pbristow.livejournal.com]

Gosh, is this tab still open? Why, yes it is. And so are all the ones that got spun off from it with pages about introversion, and especially that Google search on "best jobs for introverts" and all its offspring...

[CLICKETY-CLICK-CLICK] There! All now properly bookmarked and no longer at the mercy of the next drastic Firefox crash-with-corruption event. And at some point I will almost certainly get back to thinking about what do in the next stage of my so-called "career", at which point they will come in very handy.

So, thankyou for this post. =:o}

[dreamer-easy.livejournal.com]

Good grief, man, reboot once in a while! XD

[pbristow.livejournal.com]

I can reboot... but thanks to the Firefox "Session Manager" plug-in, I can never forget...

[BREAKS DOWN SOBBING]