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The Indian goddess Durga is heavily armed, rides a man-eating tiger or lion, and is typically depicted in the midst of a butchering a demon. Despite this excitingly gory context, Durga's face is generally composed, calm, and smiling - not a hair out of place. This has long puzzled me. At LACMA earlier this year, I saw this stunning Javanese Durga; I guessed that her serenity showed that the battle was over except for the coup de grace. But no - everywhere I look, I see these amazingly chilled-out images of Durga, smiling serenely as she wreaks bloody havoc. In my mind she's a reflex of those thrilling, gleefully violent Middle Eastern goddesses, like Inanna and Anat, who are far from calm and blissful as they carve up their foes. What gives?
So I woke up in the wee hours with the usual insomnia, and started perusing my mate Steven's copy of the magnificent catalogue for Goddess: Divine Energy, an exhibition we saw together a while back. And I'm looking at all these tranquil Durgas, and it suddenly hits me: she's not calm because she's winning, she's winning because she's calm.
Partly, it's confidence. This goddess combines the power of all the gods; for her and Kali, mowing down an army of demons is child's play, so naturally she doesn't break a sweat. But partly, it's sheer poise. She's balanced, focussed, undistracted, and crucially, unafraid.
So this is the epiphany I had, looking at Durga's calm face: until I get my anxiety problems sorted out, I can't really get anything sorted out.
I've had Panic Anxiety Disorder for most of my life. Sometimes I've had it under control, at other times it's quietly crept out and made important things next to impossible: everything from talking to strangers to travel to surgery. It's the reason I'm not at WorldCon right now: my head simply exploded the day before we were due to leave.
I can't talk, think, pray, or work myself out of this non-stop fit of nerves. I can't ignore it, bulldoze through it, or get through it on tranks. Basically, until I fix it, every other effort - health, social life, travel, you name it - is like trying to build a house on sand.
Fortunately, I know exactly what to do: I have a bunch of tools for stealing anxiety's thunder. I just need to quit procrastinating and put them to work.
Mother Durga - I don't know how to pray to you, how to meditate on you, what spell to use, what talisman to hold, what gesture to make. I know so little about you... the only thing I do know is that seeking your protection and following your guidance will end my suffering. - Shri Adi Shankaracharya (my paraphrase)
So I woke up in the wee hours with the usual insomnia, and started perusing my mate Steven's copy of the magnificent catalogue for Goddess: Divine Energy, an exhibition we saw together a while back. And I'm looking at all these tranquil Durgas, and it suddenly hits me: she's not calm because she's winning, she's winning because she's calm.
Partly, it's confidence. This goddess combines the power of all the gods; for her and Kali, mowing down an army of demons is child's play, so naturally she doesn't break a sweat. But partly, it's sheer poise. She's balanced, focussed, undistracted, and crucially, unafraid.
So this is the epiphany I had, looking at Durga's calm face: until I get my anxiety problems sorted out, I can't really get anything sorted out.
I've had Panic Anxiety Disorder for most of my life. Sometimes I've had it under control, at other times it's quietly crept out and made important things next to impossible: everything from talking to strangers to travel to surgery. It's the reason I'm not at WorldCon right now: my head simply exploded the day before we were due to leave.
I can't talk, think, pray, or work myself out of this non-stop fit of nerves. I can't ignore it, bulldoze through it, or get through it on tranks. Basically, until I fix it, every other effort - health, social life, travel, you name it - is like trying to build a house on sand.
Fortunately, I know exactly what to do: I have a bunch of tools for stealing anxiety's thunder. I just need to quit procrastinating and put them to work.
Mother Durga - I don't know how to pray to you, how to meditate on you, what spell to use, what talisman to hold, what gesture to make. I know so little about you... the only thing I do know is that seeking your protection and following your guidance will end my suffering. - Shri Adi Shankaracharya (my paraphrase)
