Dreamer Easy

My CPAP mask has gone funny. I keep being woken up by sudden blasts of cold air to the eye. Unsurprisingly I am so tired today I don't know up from down. Plus! My right ankle - and I am not exaggerating this - is twice the size of my left. Overdid it at the gym last night, methinks. I saw the foot surgeon last week; I may need another MRI, and possibly a couple of surgeries to fix the mess a second time. Just have to see how it goes. In other news, I've gone a bit vegan, which may explain why my weight has fallen despite the foodly excesses of the NZ trip; cutting down on eggs and cheese means removing a huge whack of saturated fat from my diet. I'm not trying to be strict about it - just exploring the alternatives, which for a foodie like me are full of interest.

For about a decade, I didn't know I had Panic Anxiety Disorder, and I had no way of coping with those overwhelming attacks of shaking, weeping, retching terror. The first time I had an operation, back in 1988, I was quite convinced I would die under the anaesthetic. I had to wait alone in a little room for them to come and get me. I read and immediately re-read the same short story, frantic to distract myself as I became more and more and more terrified. My heart was beating so rapidly my whole body shook with it.

Yesterday's surgery was nothing like that at all. Doctors have become more sensitive to anxiety problems, I've become better at communicating how serious mine is. The anaesthetist and I arranged for me to take my tranquilliser, Xanax, before the operation. Just like before, I had to wait alone in a little room, but this time, instead of becoming more and more frightened, I became more and more relaxed as the Xanax did its work. I read a little, meditated a little, and drowsed a lot.

I just beat my worst fear, albeit with chemical help. I look forward to the day I don't even need the little pink pills.

( More impressions, mostly for my own interest... )

Yup: due to my cold, we've had to postpone the ankle surgery - until early March. Argh! I was all psyched up for it, too, and all organised.

Had the MRI scan on my right foot today. This involved lying down and not moving a muscle for about half an hour, while earplugs protected my hearing from the machine's incredible battery of sci-fi sounds. (At one point I thought there was going to be an atomic xplosion.) Anywho, next week the PhD (doctor of ph33t) will be able to tell me if I need keyhole surgery to clean up the ankle, or just a cortisone shot, or just more time.

But lo! A package has arrived, silent as sunshine, on the front doorstep. The organic food fairy has visited us again.