Sweet, maybe… passionate, I suppose… but don’t ever mistake that for nice.

[dreamer_easy]

"Niceness, of course, can serve a person well. People like to be near you. You don't alienate people because you rarely contradict them. You are eternally bouncy and chipper and content and respectful. But in being nice, you have to walk a very fine line. Niceness can work for you or against you, and unless you are loaded with charisma, constant niceness can spell disaster. For to be truly nice, you must veil what you think and feel. Since being nice is really about seeking the approval of others, you slide into the habit of being deferential. You give in on things rather than put up a fight. [...] In essence, we allow others to take advantage of us. And many of us feel compelled to do it again and again. After all, as we know, people don't like women who aren't nice."
- Leora Tanenbaum, Catfight: why women compete with each other, pp 170-1

I can't even sit down and read this book properly from cover to cover. It just makes me want to cry. I recognise so many of my own experiences, and so much of the nonsense that goes on inside my own head.

Comments

[kateorman.livejournal.com]

Hmm. You may be working from a different definition to Tanenbaum, who isn't referring to (for example) courtesy.

[alawston.livejournal.com]

I can only work from the context provided by your extract, as I have zero inclination to read any more of her work - I can see that her definition runs broader than mere 'courtesy' but I still smell rancid equine poo, I'm afraid.

[kateorman.livejournal.com]

Well, her definition is pretty clear from the extract - that false, pandering, shallow facade of inoffensive conformity, which goes hand in hand with backstabbing and other passive aggressive madness. It has little to do with genuine concern for others and everything to do with avoiding open conflict at all costs so as to remain Popular. She's not talking about compassion or consideration, but sucking up.