Dreamer Easy

I really shouldn’t be posting when I’m hypomanic, but I can’t be the only 미친 여자 out there who has had an episode triggered by a Kpop song. I once turned up at a doctor’s appointment exploding out of my skin after listening to FT Island’s Hit The Sands on the bus. This afternoon it was VIXX and Hyde. I was abruptly so absurdly high that I had a little trouble functioning in the supermarket.

I’ll be OK: this is just the cumulative effect of jetlag, anxiety, PMS, and, above all disrupted sleep. But I realised there was another factor at work as well - which inevitably led to an explosion of thoughts, which I’ll try to get down here.

Now, VIXX’s MVs are sometimes at odds with the lyrics of their songs. For example, the six-voiced protagonist of 저주인형 (VOODOO DOLL) threatens his ex’s faithless lovers - “Open the doors of hell / sinners who made her cry / (you will) cry tears of blood”, but the band themselves portray those sinners. In Hyde, the narrator (once again a single character shared between six bodies and voices) puts up a tormented struggle, verbally and physically, against his own aggression - but at the end, those big, black wings come bursting out, and he displays them without shame to the faceless girl, who holds him, wings and all, in her heart.

It’s tempting to smile or even laugh at the melodrama of it all, but adolescent feelings are real and overwhelming, and what’s more, teenage boys are surely both the most alluring and the most dangerous - literally - things in the lives of most heterosexual teenage girls. Songs and MVs like this (and fan fiction, too) must be a place where young women can safely work through some of their complicated feelings about young men.

More importantly, they may be a place where girls can work through their own negative feelings, especially feelings of aggression, which we are taught to swallow, not show. The boyfriend of VOODOO DOLL is willing to endure his lover’s anger, without ending the relationship: “Sing the curse song of / tell me the fury hidden inside you / my body is an offering to you / I’ll devote myself to your happiness” (and the one in Chained Up (사슬) is willing to be the recipient of dark sexual fantasies). The protagonist of Hyde protests over and over that he is not a bad person, but ultimately he admits and owns the “other person inside me who is not me” (as we see in LR’s Beautiful Liar, he can control :), and that person is accepted and loved.

You can be a bad person, and survive! Even a kimchi-molesting pervert like me. XD No wonder my mood jumped through the ceiling in the space of three minutes and twenty-one seconds.

To conclude, I wanted to mention the line in Hyde I was thinking about the other day. It’s this: 겁을 먹어버린 그 눈빛 이러지마. You’ll see it translated around the Web as “Don’t give me those scared eyes”, but (disclaimer: my Korean sucks)  the adjective 먹어버린 is “eaten completely”, so it might be better rendered “Don’t give me that fear-devoured glance”. Wow!

Reproductive Freedom

I made it to the pro-choice rally yesterday, late as usual, but in time to join the march to Parliament House. (In fact, I'm briefly visible in the video from it here. :) The speakers really put into context for me the need for women, for any person with a uterus, to be able to control this most basic aspect of our lives: sexual assault, domestic violence, homelessness, poverty, homophobia and transphobia, the denial of sex education, the constant attacks on services - to Women's Legal Service Victoria. Illegal and/or inaccessible terminations, and harassment at clinics and hospitals, are just part of the continual assault on our well-being. Or to put it another way: Never mind America, access to abortion is a 'nightmare' for many Australians.

The Greens are introducing a Bill to remove abortion from the criminal law in NSW, where it's still technically illegal, which means that women's reproductive freedom is always in danger, perhaps more so now than ever. Read about the Bill and email your representative at http://www.end12.org.au/.

Abortion is also illegal in Queensland. QLD Coalition MPs oppose reform, so a proposed Bill decriminalising abortion was withdrawn earlier this year, but has been sent to the Law Reform Commission in the meantime.

The Northern Territory has just decriminalised abortion and legalised RU486, as well as providing safe access zones around clinics and hospitals. RU486 still can't be legally used by women in South Australia and the ACT (as you may imagine, this isn't stopping its use).

Medical abortion access restricted by cost, distance and knowledge (SMH, 23 January 2017). "The study recommends policy attention is put toward preventing unwanted pregnancies and advocates for increasing medicare rebates to lessen financial burden, particularly for women beyond their first trimester."

Women going without food to pay for abortions: study (SMH, 23 January 2017). About a third of the women surveyed experienced financial difficulties.


Sexual and Domestic Violence

Fact file: Domestic violence in Australia (ABC FactCheck, 15 April 2017) | Australian police handle 5,000 domestic violence matters a week, up 7 per cent (ABC, 22 April 2016) - that's over a quarter of a million every year. | National Legal Aid calls for more funding after new figures reveal domestic violence a factor in 79pc of family law cases (ABC, 18 April 2017)

More than third of sexual assaults, homicides linked to domestic violence, ABS data shows (ABC, 13 July 2016) | Half the men who kill partners have history of domestic violence (SMH 29 April 2017)

Aboriginal mothers 17 times more likely to die from homicide, WA study finds (ABC, 13 July 2016). Indigenous mothers in WA are 6.5 times more likely to die from all preventable causes, including car crashes and suicide.

Hidden victims: Women on visas feeling trapped after domestic violence abuse (ABC, 5 April 2017)

Family violence a bigger health risk for women than smoking, drinking, obesity: study (ABC, 1 November 2016). "The burden of disease is a calculation of the impact of particular diseases and risk factors on an entire population. It is a measure of both fatal and non-fatal health impacts, which take into account the severity and duration of health conditions. The study found partner violence was among the top ten risk factors contributing to disease burden among all adult women... Among women 18 to 44 years, it was the biggest single risk factor when violence in all intimate relationships was included, bigger than smoking, alcohol use or being overweight or obese. When considering only violence by live-in partners, in this age group, partner violence ranked second only to alcohol use."

Sexual assault on Australian campus is a serious problem. Compounding it: University sexual assault policies are often 'inconsistent' and 'confusing' (ABC, 2 March 2017). In fact, the group End Rape on Campus Australia accuses unis of active cover-ups of rape. An opinion piece asks: Sexual assault: What is your university doing to prevent it? (ABC, 25 February 2017)

In NSW, accused domestic violence perpetrators are allowed to cross-examine their alleged victims, a deeply traumatising experience.

'Life-saving' Victorian domestic violence pet shelter program struggling to meet high demand (ABC, 28 February 2017) Safe Steps has a list of temporary pet care for Australians fleeing domestic violence.

Explainer: What happens when someone applies for a domestic violence protection order (SMH, 1 February 2017)

Female domestic violence victims being punished for acting in self defence, say advocates (ABC, 6 July 2016)

How 'Disney dads' are making life hell for their partners (SMH, 23 October 2017): how financial abuse can worsen after separation.

Direct link between sexual objectification of girls and aggression towards them (Medical Xpress, 24 January 2017)

Men who kill female partners, as opposed to strangers, get lighter sentences, Canadian study finds (CBC News, 22 November 2015) "'This may mean that women killed by male partners are still seen as property,' researcher says".

ETA: Technology-facilitated abuse: The new breed of domestic violence (ABC, 27 March 2017)

Gender

Women using IVF to choose the sex of their children break silence on 'gender disappointment' (Lateline, 27 February 2017).

Compare and contrast: 'We don't know if your baby's a boy or a girl': growing up intersex (GA, 2 July 2017). "'My entire pregnancy, I'd worried that I wasn't going to be able to love my baby because it wasn't a he and it wasn't a she,” she recalls. But when Jack was born, he was blue and floppy. 'Although it was awful at the time, it was the best thing that could have happened: I would have done anything to have made sure he was breathing again.' Her eyes fill with tears. 'Quite quickly, he was crying. The relief was unbelievable. He was a baby and he needed feeding. Making sure that he was cared for was my priority, not poking around in his nappy.'

Report on new estimates of the size of the lesbian, gay and bisexual population of England (Medixal Xpress, 3 February 2017): somewhere between 2.5% and about 6%.

Sexual Orientation, Controversy, and Science (Psychological Science in the Public Interest, 25 April 2016). "The most contentious scientific issues have concerned the causes of sexual orientation—that is, why are some people heterosexual, others bisexual, and others homosexual? The actual relevance of these issues to social, political, and ethical decisions is often poorly justified, however."

Photos: Two-spirit people throughout history (NPR, 25 October 2014)

ETA: How AP tallied the cost of North Carolina's "bathroom bill" (Washington Post, 27 March 2017). The state's pointless bathroom fascism will cost it "more than $3.76 billion in lost business over a dozen years".

More stuff:

From the recent debate over "Obamacare": Male GOP lawmaker asks why men should pay for prenatal coverage. The same reason women pay for cover for prostate surgery. Follow the link for the simple explanation.

Also from Up Over: 4chan: The Skeleton Key to the Rise of Trump. A blogger's analysis of 4chan, gender, and Trump, "the loser who has won".

Unconscious bias is keeping women out of senior roles — can we get around it? (ABC, 8 March 2017). The vicious cycle of affinity bias and how it helps maintain the glass ceiling.

Unpaid work contributes $345 billion a year to Australia's economy. Women perform about three-quarters of that work, including child care and domestic work. Paid work in Australia is still about as gender-segregated as it was twenty years ago.

Sex differences in cognition are small (Mind Hacks, 14 February 2017). Or, to put it another way, there are no male and female brain types.

Remembering Nüshu, the 19th-Century Chinese Script Only Women Could Write (Atlas Obscura, 16 February 2017)

Oops! Withdrawal, I guess. Really wasn't expecting that after just one day, and such a small dosage change. Fatigue, racing thoughts, tripping over my tongue, feeling a little spaced out. Keeping an eye on it.

I flew from Sydney to Canberra this week without tranquillisers or panic. Achievement unlocked.

Every time I think this novel has made me work harder than I have ever worked on a piece of writing, it makes me work harder still. But somehow, despite all the crap my meds have thrown at me over the last couple of months - the sedation, the depression, the withdrawal - I have managed to defeat Chapter bloody Seven of Strange Flesh. *stands on its corpse, brandishing its entrails*

Reading an Analog magazine from a few years ago and was reminded of the dangers of being scientific, superior, and smug. The editorial: "many, if not most, people neither understand nor care about evidence or logic." Why? Because they believe "faith" is a "virtue".

Maybe Analog doesn't publish a lot of SF based on neuropsychology and its insights into the irrational mechanisms of the brain - mechanisms which mislead rational, intelligent, educated people just as much as the unwashed masses. Unless I am very much mistaken, people who hold irrational beliefs haven't rejected evidence or logic - as far as they're concerned, they're putting them to good use.

It's dangerous to think of ourselves as superior thinkers, for many reasons. In the same issue's letcol, a contributor speculates that Americans "nuke" their food because they think "nuclear radiation" and "microwave radiation" are the same, and the editor bemoans how "poorly educated" Americans are and "how sloppy their thinking [is]". Both of them miss the obvious possibility: it's a joke.

Be wary of studies that link mental ill health with creativity or a high IQ (Guardian 21 August 2015). "The idea that genius and madness are intertwined is an ancient one. But in truth, in this desperately underfunded field, we don't even have objective tools to diagnose disorders of the mind, let alone back up claims such as this." The main effect of Bipolar II Disorder on writing, in my case, is the inability to actually do it.

Reading Shakespeare Has Dramatic Effect On Human Brain (Science Daily, 19 December 2006). "Shakespeare uses a linguistic technique known as functional shift that involves, for example using a noun to serve as a verb [causing] a sudden peak in brain activity and forces the brain to work backwards in order to fully understand what Shakespeare is trying to say."

Tips for working with someone with Aspergers (Penelope Trunk, 17 October 2012)

Kids Helpline: Increase in emergency interventions, more than one third of young people experiencing mental health issues (ABC 20 April 2015)

Australia's suicide rate could be halved in five years with European approach, researchers say (ABC 26 June 2015)

Nearly half of all patients hospitalised after suicide attempt receive no follow-up mental health treatment, research shows (ABC, 9 August 2015) | Black Dog Institute suicide attempt study finds that patients get no follow-up (SMH, 3 September 2015) |
Medical staff 'negative, angry and irritated' towards patients who have attempted suicide, report shows (ABC, 3 September 2015).

Mapping will be used to pinpoint areas of high male suicide and self-harm (ABC, 9 October 2014)

Studies confirm that the leading cause of death in young Koreans is suicide (Omona They Didn't, 30 April 2015)

Concern post-traumatic stress leading to an increase in number of veterans in prison (ABC, 16 October 2015)

The Federal Government has re-funded mental health services - but only for another twelve months. I'm not sure if I'm personally affected by this, but I'm furious that sick Australians and their families are once again being treated as unimportant - an afterthought at best, disposable at worst.

Many Australians ignorant of anxiety disorders

Returned Australian soldiers with PTSD plead for more help as Four Corners program reveals widespread depression and homelessness

This news report has all the fun statistics on suicide in Australia. Also a bundle of laughs: increasing self-harm by children. A ton of related issues come into play here, including bullying, homophobia and transphobia, and the continuing disaster of Indigenous health.

I'm gonna file this under "mental health" because (a) it's the latest attempt to provoke dysmorphia in women and (b) it's nuts: How the mons pubis became the new thigh gap

ETA: Treating mentally ill prisoners would save enormous sums: "Hundreds of psychotic inmates in NSW jails are not receiving any treatment."

I've switched from insulin to exenatide*, which is more complicated to take, but comes with the huge bonus of decreasing my appetite instead of increasing it. I'm not experiencing nausea, which is a common side effect; I'm eating slightly less at mealtimes and barely snacking at all, which is a major change.

I am concerned the stuff might be giving me a low mood, but as usual there are so many things that could be making me feel down that it's difficult to know which to blame. Bipolar? Sleep deprivation? Menstruation? Actual emotions? Who knows.

* Brand name: Byetta. Made from the saliva of the gila monster, one of the only two known venomous lizards. No joke.

The last time I saw my shrink, I asked if we could reduce my nightly dose of my mood stabiliser, Epilim, back to two pills from three. He suggested we try increasing my antidepressant instead. That's done nothing to address the problem which alarmed both outsdr and acelightning earlier this week: my nagging aphasia. Hell of a problem for a writer!

I've now confirmed from multiple reliable sources that memory and focus problems are common side effects of Epilim. It's doing its job of stabilising my mood, but what's the point of swapping one mental fog for another?!

So: balls to this. I'm going to step down the dose myself, back to two pills a night, starting last night and alternating two and three pills over the next week or so. (Can't cut 'em in half.) I'll probably have to do the same with the antidepressant (Cymbalta) to avoid becoming absurdly high.

(I'll be sure to see the shrink ASAP to discuss this - with luck, in a few weeks' time.)