Dreamer Easy

The Recent Unpleasantness continues to nag at me, provoking feelings of anger and anxiety way out of proportion to the amount of damage done. Why?

I'm working with a new shrink at the mo, using cognitive behavioural therapy to try and identify the wonky thinking processes involved in my social anxiety and other madnesses. I've had a lot of success with this in the past; for example, in reducing my serious fear of flying.

One of my "automatic thoughts", which triggered panic, was "That guy's sitting on the plane's door, where it says not to sit! The door will open and we'll all die!" In fact, as I learned, a plane's doors physically can't open in flight; it says not to sit on the door because the plastic is fragile. So I was able to catch that thought when it bubbled up, and challenge it with the facts. Eventually, I beat it and several others. Flying's still tough but it's no longer a total nightmare.

That one was easy, but a lot of the problem thoughts are much more difficult to address: more subtle, further under the surface, more worn into the grooves of the brain through long repetition. I'm not sure, but I think I've caught at least one automatic thought that pops up when I discover someone spreading false, malicious rumours about me online:

"No-one will like me!"

I think I learned to think that way in high school, where I was bullied continually (verbal abuse, social exclusion, malicious gossip). One of the bully's goals is, after all, to convince the target that everyone knows they're a joke and no-one wants them on their team. A 2008 study found that the health effects of bullying persist into at least early adulthood. Maybe there's still a little bully up in there, riding around in my head.

I'll see what the shrink has to say. But if I'm right, that means it's possible to identify the thinking patterns that got ground into my skull in school, and rewire them. If there is a sort of bully in my brain, what a pleasure it would be to locate the little fucker and strangle her.

When I do return to matters political in 2011, I'm thinking of creating a blog whose sole purpose is to debunk bigoted stories in the media: not to argue the issues, but to identify and puncture specific falsehoods, of the "in fact, the report did not state this", "this is incorrect; his actual words were..." variety. Like a Snopes for the Daily Mail, basically: tracking down the original sources - scientific papers, government reports, interviews - and just stating the truth.

In the meantime, two thought-provoking links:

Don't confuse them with facts: "We admit no ideas that do not confirm us, hear no voices that do not echo us."

Bodyswap fanfic != transgender fanfic, in the same way that slash != gay fiction. Food for thought - and inspiration for fic: boy!Donna can physically pass as a man, but what if she slips up and talks, walks, or otherwise acts like a woman?

(For those who may not be familiar with the notation, != means "does not equal". Not to be confused with the conjoining ! in "boy!Donna". Far out, the Internet is weird.)

I've been very moved by the supportive things people have said during the Unpleasantness of the past few days. Thank you all so much!

I regret very much, though, that I've exposed some of you to so much distress. If I'd thought for a moment when I first posted, I would've urged you not to get caught up in the grudgewank. It's toxic to everyone - me, my mates, bystanders, and of course, the wankers themselves.

But I didn't think. Like terror, rage propels us into action:

When I follow in the wake of battle I am the woman exhorting the stragglers: GET GOING! CLOSE WITH THE ENEMY!

Terror and rage are both thrilling. But they're also incredibly painful. We're not born knowing how to relieve that pain. It's particularly difficult for girls and women, who are taught to swallow their anger rather than expressing it, so it tends to leak out in passive-aggressive ways: malicious gossip, anonymous snark, grudge-holding, etc.

Anywho. The one thing I've found helpful is Thich Nhat Hanh's teaching about anger: stop trying to suppress or escape it, stop trying to relieve it by saying the first nasty thing that pops into your head, and just sit with it. Just recognise it's there, without judging or struggling. He puts it this way: if your house is on fire, the first thing you do is to put the fire out, not chase the arsonist down the street!

This is not to say, of course, that you won't have to deal with the arsonist eventually. But when you do, you can do it with a clear head, without being pushed around by your feelings.

There's more about this technique here: Loosening the Knots of Anger. You don't need to be a Buddhist or a meditation expert to try this; for me, even a few moments of trying to just sit with my rage cools it down a bit.

lizbee's review of Chicks Dig Time Lords claims that I "created an anti-racism community for whites only". That's not true. I've told her so, and asked her to correct her review. What a horrible thing to say.

ETA: I've asked her a second time.